


The Princess Droid

by Maggie_GoldenStar1530



Category: The Mandalorian (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, I am not sorry, Inspired by The Witcher, M/M, The Princess Bride References, This Was a Dare, crack ship, i was sober when i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:20:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23652226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maggie_GoldenStar1530/pseuds/Maggie_GoldenStar1530
Summary: And every time the IG unit said “I will self-destruct” the Mandalorian knew he was saying “I love you.”“Grandpa, is this a kissing fic?”
Relationships: IG-11 (Star Wars)/The Mandalorian (The Mandalorian TV)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	The Princess Droid

**Author's Note:**

> Look, this was basically a dare. There was a wail that went out into the universe that there was no Mando/IG crack fics, so.... here you go. I wrote one.
> 
> Special thanks to different_frequency for somehow managing to beta despite laughing too hard.

_ Little Poe Dameron sat in his bed, coughing and feeling miserable. He was sick and stuck at home while his class got to go on a field trip to the jedi temple on Yavin 4. Poe said he didn’t even want to go to the boring old Temple anyway, but he was secretly disappointed. _

_ His grandfather came to visit with a book. Like a real one. On paper. Poe grumbled- he just wanted to play holonet games, but his grandfather said this was the book he’d read to Poe’s mother when she was sick. He grudgingly put down his holonet game.  _

Once upon a time there was a Mandalorian who was a bounty hunter, and he was given a bounty to find that was on a planet called Arvala-7. When he landed, he took out his scope to look around and get an idea of the landscape and where the bounty might be, when he got attacked by two blurrgs. 

The blurrgs were not daunted by the Mandalorian’s flamethrower, and one of them had the Mandalorians’ arm in her jaw, and-

_ “The Mandalorian does not get eaten by the blurrg at this time.”  _

_ “What?”  _

_ “You looked worried. I wanted to assure you that the Mandalorian doesn’t get eaten by the blurrg at this time.”  _

_ “I wasn’t worried! I was just… concerned.”  _

_ “Of course you weren’t. Anyway…”  _

The Mandalorian was saved by a Ugnaught, named Kuiil, who brings the Mandalorian to a hideout deep in the desert, where he would meet someone who would change his life forever. 

The Mandalorian did not like droids, not at all, and IG unit droids were hardy, and basically unkillable, but there was something about the droid, something  _ special _ . Something that called to his beskar clad soul. 

The team up had been merely a union of convenience. Nothing was supposed to come of it. There were many enemies, and they both needed to get to the bounty within the compound. The problem with droids is they can be single minded, and cannot think outside their programming.

So the first time the IG unit said “I cannot be captured, I will self-destruct” the Mandalorian was frustrated but not entirely surprised.

But every time the enemies got closer, and the situation looked more and more dire, the IG unit would say “I will self-destruct.”

And every time the IG unit said “I will self-destruct” the Mandalorian knew he was saying “I love you.” 

_ “Grandpa, is this a kissing fic?”  _

When they finally defeated (“Grandpa. I’m not a little kid. I know they killed them.”) …. Fine, they killed all the enemies, it turned out the bounty was a small child. Now, mandalorians love children a lot, but droids? Droids that are not programmed to love children will not do so. And the IG unit had been programmed to hunt, and to kill. 

So even though it hurt his heart and his beskar clad soul a great deal to do it, the Mandalorian put a blaster bolt through the central processing unit of the IG unit, and took the child. 

He had many adventures along the way, giving the child to the Imps-

_ “HOLD UP. He gave the child to the Imps? What the hell kind of book is this? You just SAID Mandalorians love children and will protect them! That doesn’t sound like protecting children to me!”  _

_ “Will you shut up and let me read?”  _

As I said, he gave the Child to the imperials, but then stole him back. He helped a small village on Sorgan defeat some raiders, and helped another bounty hunter on Tatooine, and helped some bad guys break another bad guy out of a New Republic prison ship, but in the quiet moments between adventures, he would think about the droid.

He’d only known the droid for a short time, but somehow, the droid had wormed its way past the beskar he’d used to carefully shield his heart, and in the long black nights of space, when the Child was asleep, the Mandalorian would-

_ “Would what, grandpa?” _

_“....you’re too young for that part.”_

Anyway, when the Mandalorian got a message from the head of the Bounty Hunters Guild that they could find a way to keep the Child safe, he knew that he would need help. So he got a friend he’d made on Sorgan, and went to ask the Ugnaught if he would help.

And to his surprise, and then to his joy, the IG unit was alive! And while he was deeply concerned that the IG unit posed a danger to the Child- the Child’s safety and security was far more important that any paltry desires of his own- he couldn’t deny that a part of him woke again to see the IG unit. 

_ “What part, Grandpa?” _

_“...uh…”_

When the IG unit came blazing into the city, blasters blazing, with the Child strapped to it’s chest, the Mandalorian felt a sense of relief so profound, he couldn’t have put it in words, even if he’d been the most prolific bard in the galaxy. 

_ “I bet Jaskier could have.” _

_ “Who?” _

_ “Nevermind, Grandpa. Carry on.”  _

But then there was the EWebb. And the explosion. And the realization that the Mandalorian was dying. The Child- the Child he could attempt to provide for. He gave the Child his mythosaur amulet and set him down with protection to the Mandalorians. They would help him and protect him. 

But he would die without telling the Droid how he felt- without even really having a chance to examine how he felt and what this droid meant to him.

And then the droid said that he could remove the Mandalorian’s helmet because he “Had never been alive” and thus wouldn’t be breaking any vow. 

And the Mandalorian realized, looking upon the droid with his own eyes, and not through his visor, that perhaps he had never really been alive, either. And perhaps, maybe, just maybe, if they all lived through this adventure, he, and the Child, and the Droid could find a way to make a little family. 

_ “Grandpa. This is a kissing fic.”  _

But it was not to be. They had nearly escaped, nearly made it out to where the Mandalorian’s ship was waiting, when the Mandalorian saw that there were so many troopers waiting that they could not possibly defeat them all. 

But the IG unit saw the only way that they could possibly defeat all the troopers and save the Child. 

“I will self-destruct.” 

_ I love you. _

They could never be a family, and the Mandalorian and the Droid could never truly consummate their love. The Mandalorian and the Child watched as the IG unit walked through fire for them, and then, in its final act of love and self sacrifice, exploded into a white hot explosion, all to keep them safe. 

The Mandalorian and the Child went on for further adventures, but in the quiet moments, in the black of space, he would remember the droid that had somehow gotten into his heart. 

_ “Grandpa. What. The. Fuck. This is not a happy story!”  _

_ “I didn’t promise you a happy ending. It’s a tragedy. It’s cathartic.”  _

_ “This is bullshit. Tell me a good story, like how Han and Leia had three kids and were very happy.”  _

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
